A review and highlights from The Man Who Wanted to Be Happy by Laurent Gounelle.

An inspiring, attractive, and easy to read story of a man that, in a few short days, learns a lot about himself and transforms his thinking and life under the mentorship of an ancient healer someplace at Bali. You too can perhaps learn a valuable lesson or two.

The main thing he learns, or rather is led to discover for himself, is how much our live and experience is shaped by our - often non-conscious - beliefs. How these beliefs drive our behaviors and limit our choices and freedom.

If you want to live a better, more fulfilling life then finding out what it is you believe about yourself, others, and relationships turns out to be absolutely crucial. This is not a self-help book but one that can help you anyway if you take up its challenge and go explore yourself honestly and deeply.

I “knew” about the effect beliefs have on our lives before - but the book really drives the point home. By following the main character in his experiences and sharing his pains, discoveries, and learnings, you can gain a much deeper understanding and appreciation of these truths - and perhaps a strong enough inspiration to start exploring them and experimenting with them yourself. You can well start by doing the “imagine your ideal world” exercise, which I find quite enlightening.

Let the book speak for itself through a few selected highlights:

it is important to become aware of what we believe, then to realize that they are only beliefs and, finally, discover their effects on our lives. [Kindle location 568]

A successful life is a life that you have led in accordance with your wishes, giving the best of yourself in what you do, staying in harmony with who you are, and, if possible, a life that has given us the chance to go beyond yourself, to devote yourself to something other than yourself and to bring something to mankind, even very humbly, even if it’s tiny. [1507]

Carried along by this new understanding and compassion, it made me want to observe and listen to people more, to try to discover the beliefs that were perhaps the origin of their attitudes. [1668]

The point all these people had in common was how little freedom they seemed to enjoy. They were grappling with their beliefs, and these beliefs restricted their choices by dictating their behavior. [1756]

A new life was beginning for me, and, henceforth, it would be my life, the fruit of my decisions, of my choices, of my will. Farewell to doubts, hesitations, and the fear of being judged, of not being able, of not being loved. I would live each moment consciously, in accord with myself and with my values. I would remain an altruist, but remember that the first present to give others is my balance. I would accept difficulties as challenges to be faced, presents given to me to develop. I would no longer be the victim of events, but an actor in a play whose rules were uncovered little by little, and whose final purpose would always keep a measure of mystery. [1825]

Quotes

I propose to make you discover, through different examples, that practically everything you live has as its origin what you believe.” [191]

Everyone believes things about themselves that are special to them. [213]

After telling one teacher that his students are above-average smart and another one that his are second-date ones:

After a year’s worth of classes, the scientists had all the children retake the IQ test. Those in the first subgroup had an average IQ that was distinctly above that of the children in the second group.” “That’s crazy.” “It is indeed rather impressive.” “It’s incredible! All you have to do is lead a teacher to believe his pupils are intelligent in order for him to make them intelligent; [243]

Human beings are very attached to all the things they believe. They don’t go looking for the truth. They just want a certain form of equilibrium, and they manage to build a more or less coherent world for themselves on the basis of their beliefs. It reassures them, and unconsciously they cling to it. [463]

Our beliefs will result in us filtering reality, that is to say, filtering what we see, hear, and feel.” [493]

what is your attention going to fix itself on in the present moment? What information are you going to pick up if you believe, deep down, that the world is dangerous?” [499]

What we believe about reality, about the world around us, acts like a filter, like a selective pair of glasses, which leads us to see the details that go along with what we believe—to such an extent that it reinforces our beliefs. [515]

What you believe about the world leads you to give a meaning to all that is ambiguous or uncertain, and that reinforces your beliefs. [525]

“When you believe something, it leads you to adopt certain behaviors that will have an effect on the behavior of others in a way that will, once again, reinforce what you believe.” [528]

if you are, deep down, convinced that everyone is friendly, you are going to behave very openly with people. You will smile, be relaxed. And that, of course, is going to lead them to open up, to relax in your company. [541]

[..] these beliefs we have, what areas do they concern? How far do they go?” “We have all developed beliefs about ourselves, about others, about our relationships with others, about the world that surrounds us, about everything, more or less. [556]

“And some are positive, and some are negative, right?” “No, not exactly. We can’t judge our beliefs. The only thing that can be stated is that they are not reality. [560]

[..] it is important to become aware of what we believe, then to realize that they are only beliefs and, finally, discover their effects on our lives. [568]

[..] people who believe in God and practice their religion, whatever it is, regularly have a life expectancy twenty-nine percent higher than the others.” [901]

“As I was saying to you last time, you can’t judge a belief, but you can take an interest in its effects.” [903]

“If I can’t understand that [the guest doesn’t like the food] and get annoyed, it’s my problem, not yours.” [922]

He listened in silence, and it was a pleasant feeling, having someone pay attention to my desires without commenting on them, without breaking in to dissuade me or suggesting something better in his opinion. [940]

“Do you know how you begin to believe you’re not capable of something?” “No.” “When there exists a question somewhere, often not consciously expressed, to which you don’t have the answer.” “I’m not following you.” “An example: if you don’t know the answer to the question ‘How can I concretely carry out this plan?’ then you risk thinking, I’m not capable of carrying it out, which is a limiting belief. [975]

“Your fear comes from confusing the rejection of a request and the rejection of a person. [1011]

[..] consider choice, effort, and sacrifice [1066]

ask to carry out in order to rid you of this fear of going up to people to ask them for help, this fear of being rejected.” “Yes.” “Right, here you are: we will meet again tomorrow, and by then you will have gone up to people of your choice and asked them things, anything, but with one goal in mind.” “Which is?” “Getting a negative response from them. [..] And your task is to obtain five no’s by tomorrow.” [1072]

“People who are afraid of being rejected,” he went on, “have no idea that it is rare to be turned down by others. It’s difficult to bring about. On the whole, people are inclined to help you, not to disappoint you, to go along with what you expect from them. It’s precisely when you are afraid of being rejected that, in the end, you are—according to the belief mechanism that you have learned to know now.” [1248]

Now that I am near the end of my life, I find myself convinced that love is the solution to most problems human beings encounter. It may seem a simple, conventional idea, and yet practically nobody applies it, because it’s often difficult to love. [1378]

The point all these people [who are avoiding love] have in common is that, if you love them, you surprise them, because they are not expecting it. Most of them, what’s more, will refuse to believe it to start with, it seems so abnormal. But if you persevere and demonstrate it to them, for example by unselfish acts, it can change their way of seeing the world and, by extension, their relation with you. [1386]

A successful life is a life that you have led in accordance with your wishes, giving the best of yourself in what you do, staying in harmony with who you are, and, if possible, a life that has given us the chance to go beyond yourself, to devote yourself to something other than yourself and to bring something to mankind, even very humbly, even if it’s tiny. [1507]

[..] be able to assert that, knowing you are about to die, you would continue to carry out seventy percent of what you normally do. It would be a sign that your actions are in harmony with who you are.” [1580]

you alone decide how you live: you always have the choice, and it’s good to keep that in mind.” [1593]

you can’t be happy if you see yourself as the victim of events or others’ desires. It is important to understand that it’s always you who decides, whatever it is. [1600]

Carried along by this new understanding and compassion, it made me want to observe and listen to people more, to try to discover the beliefs that were perhaps the origin of their attitudes. [1668]

[..] that her aggressive seduction wasn’t really a choice, that it spoke to a need to which she was a slave. [1735]

Can you experience friendship or love when you are used to comparing yourself to others? And what do you feel with other people? Do you swing between feelings of superiority and inferiority? Or pity and jealousy? These parents [pushing their children to compete with others] had no idea what they were creating in their children, [1744]

The point all these people had in common was how little freedom they seemed to enjoy. They were grappling with their beliefs, and these beliefs restricted their choices by dictating their behavior. [1756]

A new life was beginning for me, and, henceforth, it would be my life, the fruit of my decisions, of my choices, of my will. Farewell to doubts, hesitations, and the fear of being judged, of not being able, of not being loved. I would live each moment consciously, in accord with myself and with my values. I would remain an altruist, but remember that the first present to give others is my balance. I would accept difficulties as challenges to be faced, presents given to me to develop. I would no longer be the victim of events, but an actor in a play whose rules were uncovered little by little, and whose final purpose would always keep a measure of mystery. [1825]